Funny how emotions can sneak up on you.  I’ve grown to know my heart pretty well.  I generally know when things are going to affect me in an emotional way.  I prepare for it.  I get a little emotional.  It passes.  It’s all well and fine.  Not so this week.  

My facebook newsfeed has been flooded with photos from the wildfire burning in Colorado Springs, and I’ve followed the local news there via the web a bit, just to check in on the city that we lived in for four years.  And, I am completely baffled by my response.  And, more baffled that I didn’t see it coming....at all.  I keep looking at these photos, and just...crying.  Not just because the fire upsets me -- I feel immensely for the people dealing with this -- for the people whose homes are lost or in jeopardy, for the firefighters and their families working grueling hours in grueling conditions, etc...  And, I feel for the community.  This area where the fire is burning is gorgeous -- a GEM of an area to be in and live in or around.  Just to lose that...well, it stinks and is horribly sad.  But, I don’t think that’s what’s been getting me.  

A little bit of personal history to help give some background -- we prayed about whether to move from Colorado Springs when Drew was getting out of the Army, and a job was not holding us there.  We prayed quite a lot, actually.  We loved it there.  We loved our church, and our community of friends, particularly.  I had grown close with many friends there -- friends that were especially precious to me because they saw me through a tumultuous season of life -- speaking truth to me in that time, encouraging me, and just being with me.  Drew was deployed for most of the time that we lived in Colorado, so my attachment to that “home” (the community, not the building) was even stronger, just because I spent more time actually living there. I’m sure I’ve said on this blog before that the decision to move wasn’t easy emotionally, but I think we both felt that God was leading us in the direction of moving back east.  So, that’s what we did.  But, it was hard for me.  I couldn’t look at pictures of our home in Colorado Springs (the house) or even pictures of Colorado (anywhere) for a solid year without tears welling up.  Not because I regretted our decision, but because I ached for that “home” -- the people there, and our life there.  It’s been a couple of years since I felt that ache so overwhelmingly -- I thought I was past that.  

And, so, you can imagine my surprise when over the last few days, it’s like my heart is right back where it was when we first moved.  I suddenly can’t look at these pictures without crying again.  I feel that sense of being “out of place” again, even though I’ve lived in this place for 3 years now. I have been thinking about how much the town and the community that we lived in has changed since we left, knowing that even if I were there right now, it would look and feel completely different than it did 3 years ago when we left, and yet, I just long to click my heels or close my eyes or something and just be there -- just for a little while.

There are so many benefits from the experiences that come with living in different places, among different people, and I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything.  But, I think that the curse of moving around a lot is that you will develop so many different “homes” in your heart, and therefore never really feel “at home” in any one place again, because two or more places and the people therein, separated by miles, can never exist in the same place.  This side of heaven, I am not certain that I will ever feel a strong sense of being “at home” in any one place again.  Everywhere I am, my heart aches -- for the people I know and love from another “home”, and for the experiences and places unique to that home.

It all feels so silly to me sometimes -- how incredibly much I can still miss it, especially after 3 years, and given how much we love our community here.  But, it’s that tension of never feeling “at home” in any one place that is hard, I think.  But, I suppose we aren’t meant to feel too “at home” in any place this side of glory, anyway.  The peace that comes with knowing that it is God who leads us, and that our true “home” is with him, is the ultimate comfort for the heart in these times.  I suppose that one day, our brothers and sisters in Christ from all of the places that we have lived WILL all be together in one place -- oh, sweet day!  It cheers my heart just thinking about it.  Maybe I need to think on that some more -- my heart needs a good bit of cheering.