Becoming a Puddle

Life continues -- full steam ahead around here, as life has a way of doing. Our home renovations were completed during the first week of January, which means that our nursery can finally become a nursery as opposed to the storage room it has been for the months of waiting on construction to be completed. We've been slowly going through our house -- getting rid of things we don't need or use. I am not a person who enjoys living in a home with lots of "things". I want to have what we need for our current season of life. Other than that, the "things" are just clutter to me, and as I am a very visual person, when there is clutter around me, it feels as though there is clutter IN me. So, we've been weeding things out. You wouldn't believe from looking at it that we've had a yard sale within the last few months, and cleaned out our house twice more after that, because we are still finding things that we don't need or use. We get rid of what we can. But, there are some things that we hold onto, I guess, not because they are functional or practical, but because they have memories attached to them that may be forgotten without whatever the object is to remind us of them. This is the life of a family that has down-sized to a smaller home -- it is a process of figuring out what you need and want in your new home, and it takes time to weed through the things you're realizing you don't need. And, having a baby is excellent motivation to do it.

God continues to show us his mercy and grace by providing in ways that we did not expect for this child. You see, when I say we down-sized our home -- that is not the only thing we down-sized over the course of the last year and a half. We knew this going into it, so it was a choice that was prayerfully made, in faith (most days :) that God would provide. But, everything about our life is just a bit (or a lot) smaller here in Newport News -- our church, our home, our network and community of friends, our income, etc, etc, etc... I don't say that as though these are bad things -- as a matter of fact, they are what we felt God calling us to, so I think they are very good things. We needed God to provide faith in other ways when we lived in a bigger church, community, house, income bracket, etc... His provision just was a little different in that season. In this season, it has been more, "Give us, Lord our daily bread," and "Give us Lord, our monthly mortgage payment," and well...you get the idea. :) Again -- not a bad thing. It is good to see the Lord so clearly providing for your needs, and putting into perspective in a new way what your needs are vs. your "wants". There are a lot of days that I struggle to remember this, though, especially as we add our first little one to the house. There are so many little "things" that might not be needs, but sure could make life a little easier. And, then, there are, in fact, a lot of legitimate needs, too. So, as we have been planning for this little one, I've had moments of faithlessness -- moments where I think, "we're just going to have to buck up and do without a lot of this 'stuff' -- it's going to be bare necessities for us!" But, I am softened and humbled by the Lord's graciousness. He doesn't leave us in that place of, "We have to buck up and do this on our own." I have had 3 different people approach me about throwing baby showers for us in 3 different areas over the last 2 weeks or so. And, I just want to break down and cry for my faithlessness, and rejoice in God's provision. And, while the gifts that come at baby showers are helpful, it isn't just that -- it's that people want to celebrate this little one with us that we are so excited about. You have no idea how much that makes my heart just melt right now, because I was convinced that God had brought us into a place where we were just going to have to celebrate this life that God has created and will soon bring into the world in our own little ways, in our own little family. I had hardened my heart in ways I wasn't aware of until God came along and softened it with love, grace and mercy. How quick I am to forget that God loves us and wants to give us good gifts. Sometimes those come in the form of actual gifts -- sometimes it comes in the form of intangibles, but the gift isn't the point -- the good Giver is the point. I just feel humiliated in all of the best ways possible, as I confess on my blog that I still struggle to believe that God is good, generous, loving, gracious, etc... And, to be reminded of it in such a gentle, kind, "I want to give you good gifts", fatherly sort of way -- I thought I was just going to melt into a puddle in the floor last night, because my heart had been so prideful and hard in this area. I hadn't even realized what I was believing -- I was believing that God just made me to be a "do it on my own" sort of person -- that God gives other people community and love around them in seasons like this, but for us, it was going to be bare bones -- maybe a few meals here and there, provided by our church, but our church is just so young, small, and burnt out that they wouldn't want to care for us, so we will just have to find ways to care for ourselves. Whoa....wait....are the people around us the source of help? No. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord. So, does God leave us helpless in small incomes, small houses, small churches, etc...? Oh, my...I can't even believe now that I was thinking that. So, hello, small world of people who read my blog -- there's my pride and sin and faithlessness on display for you to see this morning. *sigh* Praise the Lord that he is so good to remind me of His love and provision for us in such gracious and kind ways.