Well, the blog below was one that I wrote months ago. It’s been stored away in a Word document, and, as with a lot of yet-to-be-posted blogs, I’ve been waiting for the right time to post it. This is something that I typed out as I listened to the new Caedmon’s album, Overdressed, for the first time. I’m going to see them on their Colorado stop on the tour for this album tomorrow evening, so I figured it was as good a time as any to go ahead and post this one. The song I mention below still resonates with me, even months later, in a very personal way. I’ve never posted much on here about our struggles that we’ve had to face in the last few years – it just seems too personal for something like this. But, suffice it to say that we’ve both seen and experienced heartache beyond anything we ever imagined. That has led us to a place in our lives where we’ve had a lot of questions for God. And I really do think that is okay. We don’t doubt his sovereignty in this time, or that he has some plan that he is working out. We just don’t get it. And, like I said, that is okay. As I spoke with a friend recently, who has also been through a great deal of suffering in the last few years, she commented on the book of Job ( a great book to turn to when wrestling with the concept of suffering in the lives of the righteous). My friend talked about how God allowed all of this suffering in Job’s life, and Job does not respond by rattling off easy answers and platitudes from scripture, and moving on. Job’s distress was so deep that he had to cry out to God, question God, and yes, even complain to God. Our study Bible’s introduction to Job contrasts Job’s relationship with God to that of his counselors and friends, who tried to apply “conventional, proverbial wisdom” to suffering too deep for such applications. It says, “Like the psalmists, Job habitually complained to God in the language of a legal dispute. Job wrestled with God and shared openly with him his every doubt and fear. His relationship with God was vibrant, while his friends reduced their faith to platitudes. They were insensitive and theologically presumptuous (13:4-5, 16:2, 19:21).” So, much like Job, I think the righteous today must wrestle with the struggles that plague our lives. And it is because of the wonderful dialogue between Job and God that I am convinced that it is okay to struggle with those questions and doubts, laying them before God. He is not threatened by my questions and doubts – they do not shake him. I say all of this to introduce the blog that I wrote months ago. It was short, so I felt the need to offer a little more insight into some of the things written there, and also, to share some of what I’ve been thinking and learning. But, after all of that, here is the aforementioned blog:
“I just got our new Caedmon’s Call CD in the mail. I put it in the CD player, plopped down on the couch to listen, and haven’t even moved in about 30 minutes, as I’ve been listening and reading over the lyrics. Man, oh man. It’s good, guys. Really, REALLY good.
This song came on a few minutes ago, and it brought lots and lots of tears as I listened and read. It speaks so clearly to what I’ve been thinking/feeling. Things are hard, but sometimes the simple conversation with my husband or a girlfriend who just lets me cry and wrestle with hard questions that I have for God right now is the greatest encouragement, and reminds me of the truth. I wish it were always as easy as just knowing the truth and not believing the lies, but when things get really dark, I think we just sometimes have to wrestle with truth and lies and pray that God, ultimately, gives us the faith and the eyes to believe and to see the truth. I have been painfully and restlessly wrestling, and I have some great friends around me who pray for me and really gently remind me of the truth. To those who let me wrestle aloud, and help me remember what is true -- thanks for “holding up the light” for me – I still need it.
Hold The Light
It’s been a long year / like a long sleepless night/ Jacob wrestled with the angel / but I’m too tired to fight / every Wednesday / for two years we’ve met / I’ve showed you all my anger, / my doubts and bitterness / there was no judgment in your eyes / just the silent peace of God / that felt so real in you / will you hold the light for me? / and I stay up late / because I cannot sleep / I don’t want to face the quiet / where its just God and me / I’m waiting for the gavel / handing me the sentence down / because I don’t believe forgiveness / or even repentance now / I want to feel redemption / flowing through my veins / I want to see with clear eyes / beyond lust and hate / I want the war to be over / and know the good guys won / and I want love to hold me / to know I’m not alone / standing around a willow weeping / we were praying in the backyard / in the chill of the night / the friendship light reminded me who we are”
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